31 Days of Halloween: Totally ’80s Horrorthon

31 Days of Halloween: Totally ’80s Horrorthon

Greetings and salutations, fiends! Yesterday was all about the classics, and today is all about the cheese. I love me some campy ’80s horror, and the movies I have planned for today are some of the best that the subgenre has to offer. I’m really excited to get started, so without further ado, please enjoy these killer robots and TV-loving trash aliens.

Chopping Mall

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  • I love that this is an unofficial sequel to Eating Raoul. “They remind me of your mother…it’s the laser eyes.”
  • “KILLBOTS created by Robert Short.” That’s an even better credit than “Direwolf Wrangler.”
  • The KILLBOTS do not appreciate you looking at porn at work.
  • “Fuck the fuchsia, it’s Friday!” I’m embroidering that on a pillow.
  • I really love Barbara Crampton. Incidentally, I believe that she bathes in the blood of virgins, because she has not aged in 30 years.
  • I’m pretty sure this is how we got Cylons. Do you want Cylons, Roger? Because this is how you get Cylons.
  • You know what’s even less sanitary than hotel sheets? Mall display sheets. But whatever, horny kids. Have fun.
  • “Here. Klaatu barada nikto, okay?” Ha! Okay, you get points for that, Chad. Or Biff. Or whatever your name is. Rest in peace, Chet.
  • That headsplosion always gets me. This movie should be in the Criterion Collection.
  • Peckinpah’s Sporting Goods. Bless them.
  • Kelli Maroney is officially on my fantasy robot/zombie apocalypse roster.
  • Aw, the pet store. Isn’t it weird that people used to think it was totally normal to buy a dog at the mall? Also, if I ever have a tarantula on me, you have my permission to light that thing up with a flamethrower.
  • Roger’s Little Shop of Pets. The next time I watch this, remind me to keep a running total of the store name shout-outs.
  • Poor KILLBOT. All he ever wanted was love. …Oh no, wait, that was murder he wanted, not love. Never mind.

Motel Hell

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  • I’ve never seen this one. It’s been on my to-watch list forever, so I’m glad I’m finally watching it.
  • I associate Rory Calhoun with Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. “Look at you, standing there on your hind legs like a couple of Rory Calhouns.”
  • What the hell? Okay, that burlap sack head garden is AWESOME.
  • Holy shit, John Ratzenberger in a punk band.
  • “It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.” I’ve always avoided eating anything called a fritter, and I feel very good about that decision.
  • “There’s a bizarre trap here in the middle of this deserted country road. Time to get out of the car and investigate on my own!”
  • Eurekaistic Reverend Wolfman Jack does not appreciate you looking at porn at work.
  • Mr. Burns was right, Rory Calhoun is always standing and walking.
  • “Do you boys know about astral projection?” Farmer Vincent is a lot hipper than I thought he was.
  • Heads up (ha) to any fellow migraineurs: the hypnosis hanging scene has a lot of flashing lights.
  • CHAINSAW FIGHT!
  • “My only regret…is that I used…preservatives.” Also…that I have…boneitis.

TerrorVision

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  • And now for one of the greatest films ever made, with one of the greatest theme songs ever made: TERRORVISION.
  • I saw this for the first time at a horror convention, and it blew my ever-loving mind. Suzy Putterman is my style icon and spiritual guide.
  • “Not tonight, baby. Your father and I might be swinging.” True story: I used to babysit for a couple who had swinger art in their bedroom just like all the weird stuff in the Puttermans’ house. I don’t judge anyone who’s into swinging, but I do judge people who like tacky art.
  • Hallyween masks!
  • “I make a delicious ouzo margarita.”
  • The bed scene always makes me laugh. If you ever need to describe this movie to anyone, just tell them it’s a really sleazy version of The Thing.
  • Did Heineken sponsor this movie or something? It’s the only thing anyone drinks. Besides ouzo margaritas, that is.
  • Hungry Beast! Voiced by the legendary Frank Welker, of course.
  • “No, no, they’d be the real mommy and daddy. Of course, they’d have to live in special aquariums.”
  • I love this movie so much. I just looked it up on Rotten Tomatoes, and it has a 0% rating. I feel personally attacked by this.

That’s it for now, kiddies. If I can squeeze in another movie or two tonight, I will. Any requests?

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